Disappointment

My little girl turned 1 year old a week ago today. That is not the disappointing part. The disappointing part is that I am not yet down to my normal weight and I HATE that I CARE SO MUCH.

scale

I am disappointed, not it the weight, but in the fact that I care so much about the weight.

I have really, really been trying to re-frame my image of myself, especially since having a daughter. It would break my heart if she felt so concerned about her weight.

I know I need to be kinder to myself. I did, after all, have foot surgery in December which kept me sedentary for two months. So I have really only been able to be active for about 2.5 months.

But in that 2.5 months I have only been able to budge my weight a couple of pounds and now it’s plateaued. I am still recovering from the foot surgery so I’ve been slow to get back into my old exercise routine but I would have expected a little more show for my efforts.

muffin-tops

I am frustrated you guys. I just want my old clothes to fit the way they used to.

I am also cheap and don’t want to have to buy new clothes to feel comfortable. But I am not going to lie and pretend that this is mostly stupid vanity and being too concerned about what the scale says.

SO. If you have any tips that worked for you. Words of encouragement. Or just tell me that I am being shallow and vain.

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For the record, I plan on never talking about weight loss and dieting in front of my daughter, or expressing any disappointment in my appearance as I know that’s the worst thing for her to hear as she grows up. Which is why I am venting here instead of at home in front of her (though she is only one and wouldn’t really know what I am saying).

SO I keep in all my head, but in my head I am frustrated with myself, my weight, my wardrobe, and my overall fitness level.

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What Is Happening to Our Young Men?

What is happening to young men? Why do so many of them feel their only option is to mass murder innocent people?

This most current incident in Toronto has me disturbed. If you haven’t read the most recent news of the situation, here’s an article.

This attacker was apparently part of an anti-women hate group that blames women for the fact that they can’t get anyone to fuck them.

This is not new. As the article points out, this attacker praised a previous mass killer with the same motives. They were a part of a group who called themselves “incels” or “involuntary celibates”

Other than his membership to this group – which I assume was something unknown to others who were not a part of the same group – he apparently showed no signs of violence.

This incident came on the heels of another incident at a Waffle House in Tennessee. This shooter seemed to be a more disturbed individual who had run-ins with the police prior for erratic behavior. He most certainly showed signs of violence and had his guns taken from him in the past.

But though these two individuals are seemingly very different in demeanor and motive, the result is the same. Multiple innocent lives lost.

So my question is why? What is it that compels young men to act out in violence against groups of innocent people?

Have we really left them with no other options? Is this a “copycat” issue? Are we perpetuating violence by reporting on violence? Are we giving disturbed and/or angry individuals these ideas?

How do we inform the public of tragedies without glorifying or dramatizing these actions? How do we report on motives without furthering the messages of these murderers?

I guess as a woman I am taking this Toronto incident poorly. As a woman I am not obligated to fuck you. I don’t care if you have been “nice” to me. Women are not stupid and can see through your charades. If you are trying to be nice just to get in my pants you can fuck right off.

Something tells me that this Toronto attacker won’t have too much trouble getting fucked now that he is most certainly off to prison.

I am angry.

I wish I had answers. I wish I had solutions. I wish I had the power to prevent even just one of these tragedies.

I Don’t Wanna

I am having a hard time doing things lately. My job is stressful and I used to love this job, but now it is stressful and I feel like I am failing.

Being a mom is hard. So much harder than I thought it would be.

If I quit my job, there’s no reason to keep my baby in daycare anymore. That would mean I have a new full time job of being a stay at home mom.

I love my daughter but she’s a handful right now. We aren’t even into tantrum phase but she has so much energy and get into everything and does throw fits if you take things away from her (like choking hazards). So my days would be following her around the house making sure she doesn’t hurt herself.

Inevitably she’d still hurt herself. OR I’d make her cry by taking away things – or moving her away from the dog’s water bowl again and again, all day long.

I wouldn’t accomplish anything else around the house.

I’d still feel like a failure.

How do all you mom’s out there do it? Work? Stay home? How do you not feel like you are failing? I’m really struggling at the moment.

Scream or Stay Silent

I am having a debate with myself. Over and over in my head. There are all these thoughts I want to scream from every corner. Injustices in the world. Hypocrisies I see everywhere. But do I really want the headache of debate this will bring…

Then I am tempted in the exact opposite direction. To go silent. To delete my Facebook, and Instagram and maybe even this blog and just ignore the ignorance that is infuriating me.

Right now I am leaning more in the #deletefacebook camp. The couple of people who I still have in my (acquaintance) friend list who I disagree vehemently with on political issues are not going to be swayed by my logic. They are beyond logic

Exhibit A

Capture

Capture2

 

I mean… how do you argue with that level of delusion?

Exhibit B

Capture3

 

Is it even worth pointing out the stupidity of memes?

I could delete these two (yes, these are two different people) from my friends list and then shout my opinions into my echo chamber of like-minded friends. What good will that do?

The recent revelations of Facebook selling user info to companies without our consent has me one step closer to the delete button.

The reason I haven’t pulled the trigger yet? I have family who I live far away from and I love seeing pictures of my niece and nephews. Also, most of my friends use Facebook to stay connected and it’s the most convenient place to make plans with others and see invites.

Have any of you struggled with the same questions? What have you decided to do?

School Walkout

I hate this. I hate this so much. I hate that our children have to stage a walkout to get the nation’s attention that they do not feel safe at school.

In America. Children do not feel safe going to school. Let that sink in.

We are full of talk. Pointing fingers of blame. And then we do absolutely nothing.

I don’t know what the solution is. Speculation is thrown around everywhere about what will reduce the number of violent gun deaths. But when it comes down to putting those theories into action and policy? We suck. We fail. We plug our ears and shake our heads until something else gradually gets our attention and we forget that we have this HUGE, debilitating issue until it happens yet again.

I could go through the list of common targets that people love to blame when these things happen (admittedly, I was about to do just that) but that would make this post unnecessarily long, because the truth is none of that matters if we don’t do anything and innocent people continue to die. 

I will address one thing that I keep seeing pop up here and there. Being “nicer” to your fellow classmates. This is victim blaming. This is telling students that they weren’t nice enough to their classmate and so it’s their fault he shot up the school. I don’t think our society has a problem with niceness. Yes, bullying is a problem. But kids have been bullied by their classmates since the beginning of time. Bullying is not uniquely an American problem, and yet mass school shootings is uniquely and American problem. Also this “solution” doesn’t address all of the mass shootings that happen outside of schools. Because there are plenty of those as well.

In fact – thinking through all of the other common targets of blame, none of them are uniquely American. Violent video games, movies, music, high divorce rates, reduction in religious belief, mental health issues, and even a rampant gun culture. None of these things by themselves are uniquely American. 

One thing that isn’t talked about as much, but does seem to be different among high income countries is access to social programs that support people below the poverty line. Here’s a graphic from this BBC article.

social programs

I don’t want to put too much emphasis on this though, because what we really need is well funded, thorough research into the issue.

Why do our citizens pick up high powered weapons and turn them on their peers?

This makes me nervous to send my little girl to school when she’s older. I hope we can come together and actually work to do something about this issue. It makes my heart hurt.

 

 

These are NOT New Years Resolutions

These are NOT New Year’s Resolutionsbitmoji1105603469

I don’t really believe in New Year’s Resolutions. I think we all overdo it around the holidays and use the New Year as an excuse to detox a bit from the overindulgence. But far too often we give ourselves lofty unsustainable goals that we fail to attain and get discouraged and fall back into our old habits defeated and forlorn. 

NY-Resolution

 

So these are NOT New Year’s resolutions…

BUT

I had a crazy 2017. Becoming a mother for the first time in April. Trying to figure out my new life/role as a full-time mom with a full-time job.

Experiencing the ups and downs of new motherhood, and lots and lots of body changes. Losing (most of) the baby weight. Boobs filling and deflating with breastfeeding. Trying to figure out what I can eat that doesn’t upset baby’s tummy.

Then I had foot surgery right before Christmas. I have been mostly sedentary for the last 6 weeks. Just this week I started physical therapy.

A couple weeks after my foot surgery we had back to back illnesses in my house which you can read all about in my last blog post. Somewhere in the middle of all that stress and sickness, my milk supply dried up and I stopped breastfeeding altogether.

So needless to say I have had a lot of changes to my life, my body and my schedule in the last year. 

Now that I have stopped breastfeeding and am no longer trying to keep a milk supply up.

Now that I am in the active healing phase of my foot surgery, starting some light exercises on my foot.

Now that I am (mostly) over my head cold that has knocked us all around the last few weeks.

I feel ready to try and reinstate some of my old habits that kept me healthy, both mentally and physically, prior to baby.

I don’t expect to return to my old life. I don’t want to. I love being a mom. I will never have the freedom over my schedule that I used to (at least not until the little ones are out of the house). But it is time to find my new normal, which needs to include some healthy habits. As much for my mental health as my physical health. 

So here’s my starting point:

  • Break my sugar addiction. This is a big one. I have a BAD sweet tooth. It had gotten to the point where I was eating gross store-brand cookies that WEREN’T EVEN GOOD. But they were sugar and I needed a fix. SO for the month of February I have committed to cut the sweets. Of course there’s been sweets in the break room every day since! 28 days to break a habit they say. Perfect. We’re at day 7, so far so good.
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Had to turn down this delicious looking treat 
  • Establish a gym routine. So I haven’t started on this one yet. I need to sit down with Beau and we need to make a plan because we both value gym time and need to figure out a way to take turns. My plan is to talk to him about this in the next couple days and start this weekend. exercise
  • Reduce my carbon footprint. So this isn’t as much for my own health as it is for the health of the world. But I believe that we should all have at least one goal that gives back in some way to our community and/or world. So I am committing to take the  bus more, and eat less meat. My plan is to give meat up entirely for Lent. I am not Catholic, but I like partaking in Lent anyway. And thereafter choosing meatless options for lunches and anytime I go out to eat.

public transit

 

Anyone else out there make goals for the year? How are you doing on them?

Adventures in Sick Land

What goes around comes around. In the daycare world, this apparently mean illnesses. We haven’t been well in my house for the last month. It’s starting to get ridiculous.

Here’s a recap of our sickness calendar:

Dec. 29: Baby Doll gets Roseola. Fussy and cranky for about a week.

Jan. 4: Beau gets pinkeye. He hopes it will clear on it’s own and doesn’t go to the doctor until Jan 11.

Jan 11: That night Beau gets sick. Turns out it’s the Flu (probably got it from going into the doctor for pinkeye!).

Jan 29: Dolly has a cold. Croup-y cough, nose running like a faucet. Then the fever starts and she is making a noise when she breathes. Diagnosis: Ear infection.

Somehow I have managed to avoid all of these illnesses until today. Ugh. Woke up with a sore throat and a cough. But I am out of sick days at work, so I doped myself up on Dayquil and dragged myself in. Mom’s don’t get sick days.

Fortunately my little one has been a trouper and as sick as she is, is still playful and fun.

Here’s some photos from the last couple of days.

 

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She’s starting to pull books off the upper shelf. Round two of baby proofing is in order.
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She loves looking out the front door with our doggy. Two peas in a pod.

Beau and I have had our mind on sleep training since mid-December, but there’s no way I am attempting to sleep train a sick baby. So, with being sick, she’s waking up a lot and needing extra cuddles.

We’re going a bit crazy.

Beau and I are trading off night of sleeping, and so far it’s survivable, but it’s by no means ideal.

I hope everyone else out there is doing better this month than we are! Here’s to a better February…