Telling The Family

October 2016

There’s a reason this is a private blog that I haven’t told any family or friends about. I don’t want the thought of family or friends reading this to hinder my honesty and openness. So here’s what happened when I told my mother I was pregnant.

First I will briefly say that telling Beau’s family was easy. We shared the news at our nephew’s 7th birthday party because everyone was there. We didn’t want to steal the spotlight so we didn’t do any big announcement thing, we just showed his mom a picture of the first ultrasound on our phones while the kids were running around playing and Beau’s parents and brothers and sister were hanging around chatting. They were all very kind and excited for us.

My family is a completely different situation. I think I’ve already mentioned that I have a sordid relationship with my mom. One that I went to therapy because of for a number of years. Our relationship is better, but far from perfect. I still don’t know what I am going to get from her. BUT my relationship with my brother is very good. We are very close even though he lives a few states away. So one GREAT thing about the timing of our pregnancy is that my brother and dad had planned a visit in October and it turned out to be a good time for revealing my pregnancy to them in person. Had they not been coming, I probably would have told them sooner, but the chance to tell them in person was too exciting so I chose to wait.

It also gave me the chance to tell my mom and brother at the same time. Had they not been able to be here at the same time, I would have struggled with who to tell first. That may seem strange, but I knew there was potential for my mom to be competitive with getting to hear the news before my brother, but I also feared that if I told her she may tell my brother before I got the chance. Perhaps not, but I didn’t want to risk it and his coming to town made for the perfect solution.

He was bringing his wife and two kids (22 months and 3 months old). So I thought it would be cute to get them shirts that say “I’m going to be a big cousin.” Nothing elaborate but a fun way for them to find out. And it was. They were all surprised and happy and it was going great. Until I was clearing plates from the table and my mom cornered me in the kitchen to ask me if I was going to keep working and what our childcare plans were. This was followed by TELLING me that I didn’t have to go back to work (as if she knows our financial situation) and that I CAN’T leave our child with a stranger (as if I’m just going to put an add on Craigslist or something).

I had to set a boundary immediately before she got any big ideas, so I told her that we would figure it out and I did not want her to be our nanny. Ouch. I hit a sore spot with that one. She sulks back to the table, ignoring me and asking my sister-in-law if she’d be allowed to babysit her children. My poor SIL did not know what conversation I’d just had with my mom and was put in a very awkward situation. Beside the point that being a full-time, all day, everyday nanny is a much different scenario than occasionally babysitting for a few hours, which of course I’d let my mother do.

Ugh. My mother wouldn’t talk to me for two days. She finally made some comment to my brother in front of me about how I didn’t want her babysitting. So I was able to explain that babysitting and being the nanny are different. Once I explained that she’d have to come to my house before 8 am every day and stay until after 5 pm every night (because I wasn’t going to drive my baby all the way to her house when I work 5 minutes away from my own), and that I didn’t want to burn her out with childcare, she changed her tune a bit. She’s been fine since, but man oh man, my mother can be quite a lot to handle. I can only imagine what is going to happen once this baby arrives. Sometimes I am crippled with anxiety.

Anyone else out there whose been through this transition with their mothers that may have some tips? 

 

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