AUGUST – SEPTEMBER 2015
Looking back on those first few months of trying to conceive, it’s really no wonder that it didn’t work out. I had A LOT going on at the time and stress levels for both Beau and I were off the charts.
I had been working with a therapist over the last year or so to process my relationship with my own mother. I knew that Beau and I were gearing up to become parents and I didn’t want to repeat her unhealthy patterns. Not that she was a terrible mother, she was a single mother and did the best she could, but she has some major boundary issues. And as my brother and I got older she became more and more resentful that we didn’t “need” her anymore. Her way of getting us to behave was to lay on the guilt. These are things I struggled with for years. Always feeling guilty that I was letting my mother down, that I wasn’t spending enough time with her or was doing things that she wouldn’t like. Working with a therapist to talk through some of these things and get an outside perspective has been one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I totally feel confident now that I am not going to repeat old patterns and can have a healthy relationship with my children. (Though I also accept that everyone fucks their kids up a little bit)
But in July and August 2015 I was still working through some of it and at the same time my work was REALLY busy. I work in research and we were data collecting. I remember feeling like I could not get caught up at work. At the same time I was working my ass off I didn’t know if I would have a job past April because our grant funding was going to run out. We were scrambling to apply for more funding and the deadline for that grant application was September – and it was quickly approaching. But because there were no guarantees, I was searching for other jobs around that time. And if that wasn’t bad enough, Beau was also in the midst of uncertainty with his job. His company was going through a transition of ownership, but he didn’t know who the new owners were going to be and how safe his job was – so he was also looking at other job opportunities.
It gets better. I had also injured myself playing soccer the beginning of July. I got kicked in the side of the foot/big toe area when myself and another girl were both going for the ball. I got the ball, she got my foot I did’t think it was that bad, but a month and a half later it was still hurting to walk on it (and my job had me on my feet a lot). So I was scheduled for an MRI mid-August that revealed a torn ligament and I was given a surgical boot to keep it stable in order to hopefully heal it. So by end of August I was walking around a lot with this heavy surgical boot that was hopefully healing my foot, but also causing other pains in my legs and hips since I was basically walking with a limp constantly. So I also couldn’t exercise properly (my go-to stress reliever).
And of course there’s more: My niece who lives near me was getting married in Sept. Right when the grant for work was due. So my Dad, Step-mom, Brother, Sister-in-Law, and their 9 month old baby were all coming to stay with me for about a week.
By the end of September, I was beyond stressed/exhausted/overtaxed/worn out/ drained/spent.
I was ready to take a month long vacation from everything. But I was also ready to be pregnant.
Sorry this turned into such a long post!